A question for anytime (not just when the church or someone else says).
“And how are you spiritually?”
A question an old friend asked when I ran into him on a path unexpectedly. A question that I answered by bursting into tears. Tears of grief and relief to acknowledge that I was not ok. My soul was dying inside, I knew it, and up into that moment of reflection from another, I was in denial. Even though I was scared to admit it, it was relieving to begin the journey of releasing the grief layered in my heart.
Over many years I had slowly frozen inside. At times I turned to blaming others to protect the fact that I was the one sacrificing what I really needed and wanted. Through it all I was still connected to my light and joy of sharing even if the elephant in the room was (visibly even) pushing me backwards.
On the surface this all feels vague because, in general, my life looked and seemed ok. I was maintaining a certain baseline of survival. The grace of meditation and receiving healing from others helped me to escape into my light cocoon long enough to resource for the next go.
Being at war with myself and believing everyone was out to get me took a toll on my mental, emotional, physical, and financial health. I used a lot of my energy in a state of vigilance creating protection and fighting back. My body was exhausted and my open heart was filled with resentment and longing.
I hoped someone would see me, save me, lift me up. The little girl inside of me just didn’t understand why things felt so harsh when she just wanted to love. It wasn’t until I learned to pick her up myself and positively rewire my brain that I was able to start enjoying my own company and life again.
All this looked nothing like I’d been taught “growing up” is, and I didn’t do it alone. I worked (and still do) with some gems of people who are coaches, mentors, teachers, friends. Each of them holding a piece of the puzzle to me embracing my imperfectly perfect wholeness.
That door opening question was asked right as I was about to leave on a solo road trip the summer of 2019. I went out and explored just in time before the fear virus swept the world into toxic shock. After the past four years as well as moving forward, “how are you spiritually?” and “how is your heart?” are questions that are more important than ever.