Freedom is not a glamour trip. Real freedom is not at all like doing drugs to escape and more like diving deep to unwind. We live in a free will universe which means the full spectrum is possible. Love and Light is not all pretty pictures, but it is beautiful to see through the crap when light shines on it, and it is wonderful how love holds space for creation through the cycles of life and death.
A caveat before I go for it: Sometimes I’m not really sure what is “appropriate” to share, but a lot of that is because shame is used to keep one hiding what many might be experiencing, so I’ll go with what I feel ready to voice with … where I’ve edited out some details.
I am grateful for where I am with all life has to offer, and I am enjoying myself more often than not these days. Also woven in are some other realities of my personal journey (all of which I own for myself … even the brain farts):
Having the courage, at nearly 40 years old and not married with no kids, to do the hardest thing of my life which was walking away from … dynamics that were affecting my well-being, yet still holding out reciprocity is possible.
In the aftermath of that big life change, bringing in half the amount of money I normally do in a year, operating at a “loss” in business for the first time ever as well as taking charge of another debt cycle through engaging a credit counseling non profit and generously being given bits of money and heaps of extra holding from supportive people in my life.
Being in such deep grief and broken heartedness that imagining living anywhere besides a … past was nearly impossible. Not being able to work much because I couldn’t talk to most people without bursting into tears. I actually had a panic attack when my sister kindly threw me a surprise bon voyage party.
Traveling via housesitting being a hopeful window for going new places and creating reciprocal relationship agreements of pet care for a place to stay. Plane tickets not included, but somehow covered by Source. The investment amount has worked out to be kind of like paying rent. Brain farts of planning, learning, and leaping all part of it.
Housesitting in the off season because that’s when people tend to vacation. Staying in a variety of environments and homes in unexpected and random places in the world. One city doesn’t even recycle. Have I been transported back in time to the 80s? So many types of pillows, beds, and Uber drivers.
People saying they hope I’m enjoying it, asking or thinking that I’m seeing all the things on full time vacation when in reality there’s only enough money to spend on what is really in alignment which sometimes is lots of rice or simply healthy food and other times that train ticket and bus tour to Stonehenge. Legacy Cacao as a thread of true nourishment through it all (even when I’m out of it).
Wavering between feeling grief, gratitude, like I don’t deserve to be happy, guilty for needing help, and actually enjoying life on any given day or sometimes all on the same day. It’s touch and go from moment to moment in life always, but the waves of what’s being processed vary in intensity and size.
Riding the waves, the only space is for what is truly important to the balance of my well-being in body mind spirit, and even then, sometimes a big unexpected wave comes up, knocks me off center, and I’ve really got to hold onto to my hat, inner vision, and tend the (re)open(ed) wounds.
Cycling between the same 3-5 outfits while also brushing off comments about how big my suitcase is. Feeling triggered by people calling it “Jennah’s Big Adventure” when it is simply my life at this point in time. I’m choosing what my body and soul need to survive and thrive here. Without thriving, what is the point of life? To me, an adventure is not a phase or one time thing, it is living my ever unfolding growth.
Which brings me to embracing the journey both literally and figuratively. What if I really enjoy my lifestyle and regenerate my livelihood in an unconventional way? What else amazing is possible for me and people that I know when life is life no matter the path and especially when it’s my path? What if saving is killing the world?
Learning how to brush off any sticky jealously, judgment, and projection which involves facing my own inner demons, letting go of blame, shame, and guilt that arises from any sort of comparison / non acceptance of what is, and rewiring my brain and being to be ruthlessly self loving as I learn to trust my inner guidance.
As I believe in myself again, I am remembering that I do have the right to and ability to generate peace, love, and happiness which includes receiving gifts in whatever way they show up (such as a gift certificate for a sea adventure from the people I’m housesitting for) as well as wishing the best for everyone else in my life past, present, and future.
What are some realities in your life, and what happens when you shine a light on them with love?